Information Minister of the Republic of Iraq (mohammedalsahaf) wrote,
Information Minister of the Republic of Iraq

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The Human Stain.

This afternoon I was sitting at my desk here at the ministry (newly recarpeted - Carpetime's entire inventory was a welcome spoil of war - I must thank the Americans and Enlgishes for pissing themselves to death in the face of Saddam's mighty Army - BABYLON IS REBORN! AND RECARPETED!)and, OK, this entry is not about carpet or the overwhelming acidity of American fear-pee, so I'll start over. I minored in journalism, so I know a thing or two about flow, yo. (African-Americanish slang is also another spoil of war, dig?)

Anyway. I'm sitting at my desk reviewing a PowerPoint presentation on recent improvements to Baghdad's power grid, and out of nowhere, like totally out of the blue, I had an orgasm in my pants. I just felt this surge in my enormous genitals and then a bunch of wetness and I was like "Jiminy Christmas!" I put my hand down there to check and my pants were full of, uh, man-fluids. What in the name of Ali Akbar Hamizallah is that all about? Of course, with this being a laundry day, I wasn't wearing my stain resistant Khakis, so it looked like I had wet myself like a Colonel of American Marines, trembling before a statue of one of Saddam's minor functionaries. I had no idea how to handle it, so I sat at my desk. All. Day. Long. Just sat there, knowing that the second I left my office, everyone would see the stain on my trousers and then people would laugh and then I'd have to fill out request-for-execution forms for all of those offenders, and those things take a while to be approved, then on top of that, we'd have to hire replacements for the folks who laughed, then go through the process of training them and it just didn't seem worth it.

The good news is I got caught up on a lot of work. Of course, I finished all that early, so I sat at my desk doodling for six hours, waiting until everyone, including the janitors, had left for the evening. I'm never the last guy to leave, so everyone was making comments like "Whoa, the boss is putting in overtime!" And now I look like Mister Johnny hard-worker guy.

But still, what would cause me to have a spontaneous orgasm like that? I like wasn't daydreaming about sex or anything, I was totally focused on the power grid info.

Has this happened to anyone else?

Should I interpret this as a sign of my overwhelming virility and manly-manliness?

The only other thing that has happened to me that is remotely like this is when I sneezed while in line at Mahsoud's Grocery and I crapped my pants.

This is why I don't update. It's so easy to just blah, blah, blah myself into divulging the most embarassing things about myself.
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