Last week was good. The forces of Saddam made the bosoms of their mothers swell with pride when they destroyed large parts of the American Great Plains and Gulf States. Of course, the infidel liar media blamed the destruction on tornados, but all truth-seekers know that this is not the case. Tornados my yogurt-soda-drinking ass.
It is nice to hear news of something other than this Laci Peterson crap for a change. Even our field commanders in America got caught up in it. Saddam would ask for situation reports from the American front and he'd get replies like "Most glorified leader, may Allah bless you, the prosecutors in the Peterson case are going to seek the death penalty" or something like that. Here's Saddam, asking about the progress of the war against the stupid infidels, and our field commanders are talking about that stupid murder case. If Laci Peterson looked like my wife, the case wouldn't even make local news. But since she's attractive enough to be a model for one of those comes-with-the-picture-frame photos, it's like, a big deal.
There was a knife fight in the break room today. Qasim the intern and Mahsoud from animation got in some fight over whether or not it was treasonous to eat Franco-American SpaghettiOs for lunch in a Baath party building. For years, Mahsoud has brought a can of SpaghettiOs to work for lunch, and beyond getting sick of the smell of them, we never thought anything of it. Well, Qasim started making a fuss over it last week, asking Mahsoud to at least bring in Chef Boyardee products, since they do not have the word "American" in the product name. Mahsoud refused and Qasim called him a traitor. Today, Qasim called Mahsoud a traitor again and Mahsoud pulled a knife on him. It was on. The fight didn't last long at all. Qasim pulled his knife and took the first lunge. Mahsoud blocked the thrust by grabbing Qasim's arm with one hand while driving his blade into his shoulder with the other. Qasim screamed like an old woman on an electrified toilet seat (a sound I have heard firsthand on a visit to one of Saddam's prisons). Mahsoud twisted the knife until Qasim promised to stop calling him a traitor and leave him alone with the whole SpaghettiOs thing. Man, Tirkitis can be such hot-headed pricks. Qasim thinks he's "More-Baathist-Than-Thou" because his dad hunted rabbits with Saddam when they were teenagers. If he had drawn the knife first, I would have fired his ass. But since he learned his lesson, he can finish his internship.
I think I might ask Saddam for another favor. He gave me Florida, for which I am eternally grateful. But what I would really love is to be the editor-in-chief of the New York Times. I think I'd fit in there quite well.